I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize