Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
