She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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