Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
