you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize