The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
