she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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