I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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