Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
