So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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