At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
