just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
