so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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