i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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