I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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