my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
