Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize