Who did Billy Mays play for?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
