I just pynch a tree in the face
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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