so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
