i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
