my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
