I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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