a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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