Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
