btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize