yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
