we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
