I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
