So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
birth control should be required to get into college
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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