Pants 0. Shit 1.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
