I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
