i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
