I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
