some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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