i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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