You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
