when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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