I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
