Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm bleeding and have questions
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