I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
