She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
