Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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