i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
