You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
