not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
