I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
