You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
As shirtless as possible
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
