this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
