Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
