I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
