I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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