whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
